Read this astonishing first-hand account of how a guy stopped someone from committing suicide tonight.
http://godisamanc.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/ive-just-stopped-a-guy-from-jumping-off-cheadle-bridge-onto-the-m60-motorway/
Tuesday 6 December 2011
Tuesday 15 November 2011
Thursday 10 November 2011
Boys will be...
Just met an old friend in a supermarket and she told me her daughter has a beauty clinic. Apparently, she used to make up a lot of men who were professionals such as judges and doctors to look like women.
They would come in the front door as Arthur and exit the back one as Martha.
She stopped doing it when a man did something unmentionably disgusting and she scolded him and he liked it!
They would come in the front door as Arthur and exit the back one as Martha.
She stopped doing it when a man did something unmentionably disgusting and she scolded him and he liked it!
Saturday 5 November 2011
The Bright Side
I attended the funeral of a dear friend and former colleague yesterday. She had been bravely suffering from cancer and when I last spoke to her recently, she was upbeat that her new chemo seemed to be working.
Unfortunately, she developed a chest infection and died in hospital.
Her death came as a shock to her many friends.
She was a down to earth no nonsense Lancashire lass who became a newspaper editor and columnist.
She never complained about her illness or her painful medical treatment. Her only comment was:"Trust me to get cancer".
Her auntie told me that just before she died, she calmly outlined what should be done at her funeral.
We started with Elvis singing How Great Thou Art and ended with Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.
When it got to the line, "Life's a Piece of Shit" laughter rang out round the chapel.
In between we heard "Look for me in Rainbows" by Vicky Brown who died of cancer. A very moving song and a fitting tribute to my brave, lovely, beautiful friend.
You will always be missed Lesley but every time I see a rainbow now, I shall think of you.
Unfortunately, she developed a chest infection and died in hospital.
Her death came as a shock to her many friends.
She was a down to earth no nonsense Lancashire lass who became a newspaper editor and columnist.
She never complained about her illness or her painful medical treatment. Her only comment was:"Trust me to get cancer".
Her auntie told me that just before she died, she calmly outlined what should be done at her funeral.
We started with Elvis singing How Great Thou Art and ended with Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.
When it got to the line, "Life's a Piece of Shit" laughter rang out round the chapel.
In between we heard "Look for me in Rainbows" by Vicky Brown who died of cancer. A very moving song and a fitting tribute to my brave, lovely, beautiful friend.
You will always be missed Lesley but every time I see a rainbow now, I shall think of you.
Thursday 3 November 2011
A lesson
Nice thing happened today. I saw a load of schoolgirls chuck some litter on the ground - empty drinks can and a rolled up Greggs bag. I walked on, thinking: Kids today. Typical. Waste of bleeding time. Then a little further along, a tall lad in school uniform walked towards me on the pavement, nodded and politely said "Good afternoon". I didn't know him, nor he me. It kinda made my day and made me rethink things. I love it when stuff like that happens. Like someone was teaching me a lesson.
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Getting old
I am being haunted by the face of an old man.
Let me explain.
I was walking to the shops yesterday when I saw an old man walking slowly and painfully with the aid of a stick. There was something familiar about his face. I walked on a little way, stopped and turned.
It was Frank. Frank the professional rugby player. He used to be a regular at my local many years ago and he was a massive strapping barrel-chested guy who used to talk about the various ways he fouled his opponents on the rugby pitch.
You never shook hands with Frank if you valued the bones in your fingers.
He was vital; robust;loud.
Now he looked about a third the size; like someone had put him in an oven and dried him out. Gaunt face; white hair; sunken cheeks. A parody. A tiny miniscule bit of a human, barely alive. Inching his way along the pavement with a glassy stare and a dying smile. His clothes hung off him.
It was a heart-stopping moment of realisation. I have never been as shocked by the ageing process. I found it truly frightening. More frightening than any horror film. A reminder of my own mortality.
I keep seeing his face in my mind. I still keep saying "No. It can't be"
But it was.
Let me explain.
I was walking to the shops yesterday when I saw an old man walking slowly and painfully with the aid of a stick. There was something familiar about his face. I walked on a little way, stopped and turned.
It was Frank. Frank the professional rugby player. He used to be a regular at my local many years ago and he was a massive strapping barrel-chested guy who used to talk about the various ways he fouled his opponents on the rugby pitch.
You never shook hands with Frank if you valued the bones in your fingers.
He was vital; robust;loud.
Now he looked about a third the size; like someone had put him in an oven and dried him out. Gaunt face; white hair; sunken cheeks. A parody. A tiny miniscule bit of a human, barely alive. Inching his way along the pavement with a glassy stare and a dying smile. His clothes hung off him.
It was a heart-stopping moment of realisation. I have never been as shocked by the ageing process. I found it truly frightening. More frightening than any horror film. A reminder of my own mortality.
I keep seeing his face in my mind. I still keep saying "No. It can't be"
But it was.
Friday 28 October 2011
Some guys!
It looks like a distressed chav: which is probably who "made" it.
Wednesday 26 October 2011
Speechless
Bought DVD of King's Speech at Sainsbury's.
Checkout girl (CG): So you like the King's Speech then?
Me: Yes
CG: I saw it but I wasn't so sure about it though.
Me: What sort of films do you like then?
CG: I have to watch what I'm told: usually Spongebob Squarepants.
Me: What other films have you enjoyed?
CG: I don't know any more.
Checkout girl (CG): So you like the King's Speech then?
Me: Yes
CG: I saw it but I wasn't so sure about it though.
Me: What sort of films do you like then?
CG: I have to watch what I'm told: usually Spongebob Squarepants.
Me: What other films have you enjoyed?
CG: I don't know any more.
Thursday 13 October 2011
Going Amish
Yesterday was techically a wipeout. Asked O2 to put me on a Simplicity £13-50 a month. Some numpty put me on a £46 a month tariff! Havent been able to access 3G since. Then the ios5 debacle which took hours and much luck to sort out. Then the internet went down. Then the lights fused. I think I'll go Amish.
Wednesday 12 October 2011
Horrors!
Just in time for Halloween is my new ebook - Horrors! Amazing Tales of the Macabre including Matters Morbid; Bits of Famous Folk; Shocking "Cures"; Strange Deaths and Bizarre People.
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.
Available here: http://amzn.to/osF4e9
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.
Available here: http://amzn.to/osF4e9
Tuesday 11 October 2011
Oozit
Seeing this excellent blog post from Keith reminded my of my Uncle Walt who had a language of his own.
He lived in Cheshire and would often come to visit us in our Lancashire 2up 2 down and the conversation would go something like this:
"It's a funny thing (always his opening gambit). I've just been up the street and I bumped into ooozit and he had thingummy with him. Haven't seen him or y'know, t'other feller, for ages. We talked about wotsits and this that and the other. Aye - it's a funny thing."
We usually agreed it was a funny thing because if you ever disagreed with him: especially if he'd had a pint or two in the local wotsit, he'd storm out the house and walk the 25 miles back to his own home. It happened on many occasions.
He was a great bloke though. He'd been an airman and a professional football player for Bolton and Colwyn Bay and another team - Thingy Rovers.
Uncle Walt and me.
He lived in Cheshire and would often come to visit us in our Lancashire 2up 2 down and the conversation would go something like this:
"It's a funny thing (always his opening gambit). I've just been up the street and I bumped into ooozit and he had thingummy with him. Haven't seen him or y'know, t'other feller, for ages. We talked about wotsits and this that and the other. Aye - it's a funny thing."
We usually agreed it was a funny thing because if you ever disagreed with him: especially if he'd had a pint or two in the local wotsit, he'd storm out the house and walk the 25 miles back to his own home. It happened on many occasions.
He was a great bloke though. He'd been an airman and a professional football player for Bolton and Colwyn Bay and another team - Thingy Rovers.
Saturday 8 October 2011
L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S
A friend has a daughter who has just turned 6. She's a very bright child but even so, her mother and a kitchen full of friends nearly dropped their glasses of white wine a couple of weeks ago when she suddenly announced: "I love lesbians!"
"What do you mean love?" asked mum tentatively.
"Lesbians. It's 20 points on Wordmole".
I should point out that Wordmole is a word game on a smartphone where you get points for making letters into words.
I admire the child's perspicacity but I'm sure I never knew what a lesbian was until I was much older.
(Apparently, she also later asked how many points you got for G-A-Y-S).
"What do you mean love?" asked mum tentatively.
"Lesbians. It's 20 points on Wordmole".
I should point out that Wordmole is a word game on a smartphone where you get points for making letters into words.
I admire the child's perspicacity but I'm sure I never knew what a lesbian was until I was much older.
(Apparently, she also later asked how many points you got for G-A-Y-S).
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Changes
When you are about to meet someone who you haven't seen for almost 20 years and who you thought you'd probably never see again, there is a certain apprehension.
She was a very young woman then with the world at her feet. She gave everything up to follow an ideal.
Now she is a mature woman who has travelled the world and worked with children in many countries.
She traded in an illusory world for the real one.
I can't wait to hear her story.
She was a very young woman then with the world at her feet. She gave everything up to follow an ideal.
Now she is a mature woman who has travelled the world and worked with children in many countries.
She traded in an illusory world for the real one.
I can't wait to hear her story.
Monday 3 October 2011
Effin Customer Service
I phoned a bus company information line this afternoon and a bloke with a broad Lancashire accent answered the phone.
I said "I'm enquiring about the diversion arrangements because of the Tory Conference in Manchester. Can you tell me where the Number ** Bus will stop now?"
"Just one moment sir" said the employee.
I then heard the following:
"He wants ter know about diversions 'cos of Tory Conference. Wheers that information?"
"It's here"
"I've been fuckin' lookin' for that bit o' paper all day!"
He returned to the phone and said sweetly.
"I have the information to hand now sir."
He told me what I needed to know and I asked for more information on the route which he provided after once again consulting his mate.
"The reason I know the answer is because my mate here travels that route every day" he said.
God help people enquiring about a different route then!
I said "I'm enquiring about the diversion arrangements because of the Tory Conference in Manchester. Can you tell me where the Number ** Bus will stop now?"
"Just one moment sir" said the employee.
I then heard the following:
"He wants ter know about diversions 'cos of Tory Conference. Wheers that information?"
"It's here"
"I've been fuckin' lookin' for that bit o' paper all day!"
He returned to the phone and said sweetly.
"I have the information to hand now sir."
He told me what I needed to know and I asked for more information on the route which he provided after once again consulting his mate.
"The reason I know the answer is because my mate here travels that route every day" he said.
God help people enquiring about a different route then!
My worst birthday prezzie
Did some clearing out yesterday and came across what probably ranks as my worst present ever.
It was a bow.
Bow as in bow and arrows.
I can't even remember who bought it or what they must have been thinking of at the time.The reason that it was useless was because I lived in a 2up 2 down terraced house with a little back yard in the middle of a Lancashire coal and cotton town.
After watching a good cowboy film, I may have imagined I lived in the mid-West prairies but in reality, I was about 20 feet from a massive cotton mill and surrounded not by greenery but by brickery.
I would have been about ten and probably not much longer than the bow, which measures a goodly 5 feet.
It even came with deadly steel-tipped arrows that would have caused considerable damage to John Wayne's torso had I ever been strong enough to draw the bow and had he been daft enough to be walking in front of me at the time.
I was a mere slip of a lad and simply hadn't the strength to use the damn thing., coupled with the fact that when I did pull and let go, the string invariably hit my wrist with a painful Twang! and I dropped the bugger immediately.
Well I didn't know there was such a thing as a wristguard.
In the absence of a suitable target (which wasn't provided), I simply stood a few feet from our back gate and let fly the deadly arrows which rebounded alarmingly close to my head, leaving nasty holes in the gate.
Of course, that resulted in a clout round the ears from me mam putting an end to my hopes of representing my country at Archery in the Olympics.
So I stuck it in a cupboard and there it remained all these years until yesterday when it brought back painful memories.
I'm going to use it to grow runners beans up and suggest if some idiot buys you a longbow for your birthday, that you do the same.
It was a bow.
Bow as in bow and arrows.
That's it.
I can't even remember who bought it or what they must have been thinking of at the time.The reason that it was useless was because I lived in a 2up 2 down terraced house with a little back yard in the middle of a Lancashire coal and cotton town.
After watching a good cowboy film, I may have imagined I lived in the mid-West prairies but in reality, I was about 20 feet from a massive cotton mill and surrounded not by greenery but by brickery.
I would have been about ten and probably not much longer than the bow, which measures a goodly 5 feet.
It even came with deadly steel-tipped arrows that would have caused considerable damage to John Wayne's torso had I ever been strong enough to draw the bow and had he been daft enough to be walking in front of me at the time.
I was a mere slip of a lad and simply hadn't the strength to use the damn thing., coupled with the fact that when I did pull and let go, the string invariably hit my wrist with a painful Twang! and I dropped the bugger immediately.
Well I didn't know there was such a thing as a wristguard.
In the absence of a suitable target (which wasn't provided), I simply stood a few feet from our back gate and let fly the deadly arrows which rebounded alarmingly close to my head, leaving nasty holes in the gate.
Of course, that resulted in a clout round the ears from me mam putting an end to my hopes of representing my country at Archery in the Olympics.
So I stuck it in a cupboard and there it remained all these years until yesterday when it brought back painful memories.
I'm going to use it to grow runners beans up and suggest if some idiot buys you a longbow for your birthday, that you do the same.
Sunday 2 October 2011
Respect
I came across this on my travels.It was attached to a bunch of carnations on a mesh covering a door of a defunct Lancashire cotton mill
After some research and enquiries, I discovered these poor millworkers had died when a faulty steam pipe ruptured and they were scalded to death.
A winder was someone who threaded cotton onto shuttles.
I found it very humbling and moving that someone had remembered these poor girls 100 years on.
There is more information about the tragedy here: http://www.leighlife.com/?page=5&rev=1262193139&id=leighlife:dan_lane_mill
Respect and love to those who died and also to the caring person who attached the flowers.
Helloooooo?!
So I'm loading my purchases on the conveyor belt at Asda and the girl asks: "Want any help?"
"Yes please. Can you double bag those two bottles of wine for me please? I wouldn't like them to fall through the bottom of the bag and break" (delivered with a smile.no response)
Her: "Are you walking?"
Me: "Yes"
Her: "I'll double bag them for you, it'll be safer"
Pause
Me: Can you double bag them? It'll be safer"
Pause
Her: "That's what I'm doing"
Me: Oh so you are. Good idea. Thanks"
"Yes please. Can you double bag those two bottles of wine for me please? I wouldn't like them to fall through the bottom of the bag and break" (delivered with a smile.no response)
Her: "Are you walking?"
Me: "Yes"
Her: "I'll double bag them for you, it'll be safer"
Pause
Me: Can you double bag them? It'll be safer"
Pause
Her: "That's what I'm doing"
Me: Oh so you are. Good idea. Thanks"
Saturday 1 October 2011
Me £11-26 Tesco 0
The other day, I went into Tesco and bought 2 bottles of Spanish Ruede white wine for £10. Or rather I didn't.
There was a sign saying get 2 for £10 but when I got home I found the twots had charged me £15-18 which works out at £7 something per bottle.
I wasn't having that.
I went in today with a face like Hitler when he got his (no I can't use that simile). Well I had a face like an angry farmer's arse. I've seen pictures of those on the internet somewhere. I'm unlucky that way.
So I collared a terrified assistant manager and demanded he follow me to the wines and spirits which upon seeing my rictus expression, he dropped what he was doing (a case of Marmite - made a helluva mess) and meekly followed close behind.
I pointed at the sign that said 2 for £10 and I said: "Now son, 'ow much for 2 bottles of that wine?"
He looked at me, then looked round for help. I said somewhat more stentorianly "'ow much for two bottles of that wine?"
"Er, £10?"
I said: "That's what it says but look a little closer.
He bent down gingerly (what's ginger gotta do with bending? - don't answer)
I jabbed an angry digit at the offer closing date which was September the Bloody 6th!
"That's when it finished and you charged me the full amount. That sign should not be there"
"Oh" he said.
"Oh" I said, more sarcastically than his "Oh"
"I do apologise. Come with me sir" So I went with him this time and he led me to a young lady in customer service who he ordered to sort out the cash return.
She jabbed at a calculator and announced "We owe you £11-26" sir. Tesco refund double what you have been overcharged. She's got her sums wrong but that's par for the course these days and I wasn't gonna be arsed pointing it out.
I didn't know that, so that's a tip. Look for out-of-date offers with signs still up and buy hundreds of whatever's on sale, then go next day and get double your money back.
Bingo! Back of the net! Resulto!
By the way. I wonder how many customers not quite as eagle eyed as me got screwed and never knew? Probably bloody dozens.
Fellow shoppers, always check your receipts,.
There was a sign saying get 2 for £10 but when I got home I found the twots had charged me £15-18 which works out at £7 something per bottle.
I wasn't having that.
I went in today with a face like Hitler when he got his (no I can't use that simile). Well I had a face like an angry farmer's arse. I've seen pictures of those on the internet somewhere. I'm unlucky that way.
So I collared a terrified assistant manager and demanded he follow me to the wines and spirits which upon seeing my rictus expression, he dropped what he was doing (a case of Marmite - made a helluva mess) and meekly followed close behind.
I pointed at the sign that said 2 for £10 and I said: "Now son, 'ow much for 2 bottles of that wine?"
He looked at me, then looked round for help. I said somewhat more stentorianly "'ow much for two bottles of that wine?"
"Er, £10?"
I said: "That's what it says but look a little closer.
He bent down gingerly (what's ginger gotta do with bending? - don't answer)
I jabbed an angry digit at the offer closing date which was September the Bloody 6th!
"That's when it finished and you charged me the full amount. That sign should not be there"
"Oh" he said.
"Oh" I said, more sarcastically than his "Oh"
"I do apologise. Come with me sir" So I went with him this time and he led me to a young lady in customer service who he ordered to sort out the cash return.
She jabbed at a calculator and announced "We owe you £11-26" sir. Tesco refund double what you have been overcharged. She's got her sums wrong but that's par for the course these days and I wasn't gonna be arsed pointing it out.
I didn't know that, so that's a tip. Look for out-of-date offers with signs still up and buy hundreds of whatever's on sale, then go next day and get double your money back.
Bingo! Back of the net! Resulto!
By the way. I wonder how many customers not quite as eagle eyed as me got screwed and never knew? Probably bloody dozens.
Fellow shoppers, always check your receipts,.
Friday 30 September 2011
A Right Cowboy
I am a man of a certain maturity; a well-ripened Cheddar; a well-cellared Burgundy; a well, you get the idea.
Never could I use the word "cool" to describe something that was whatever that word means and I could never say "well good" for something that was well, good.
I like to think I have sophisticated tastes in books, music and the arts. I won't go into them here but we aren't talking Potter, Sugababes or that bird with the nice tits and wonky jaw.
So why is it I turn into a hormonal pre-pubescent spotty eejit on steroids when I play certain stupid games on my iPhone?
Today I read in the newspaper of a 46 years old man who went and attempted to throttle a kid he was playing Call of Duty over the internet with because the kid "killed" him and called him names.
I can understand that.
When I'm gunslinging on my iPhone on High Noon, dressed as a Ninja Cowboy with Union Jack boots wearing my Sidewinder Socks (for 20% faster dodging) and wielding a Stagemaster Shotgun with Double Dynamite up my sleeve as a surprise, I feel my anger well up when some bit of a hacker kid from Q8 (Kuwait) downs me with 2 shots to the head just as lining up my sights and I'm a-fixing to separate his legs from his torso.
I mean, I absolutely blow my stack: "The f**kin' cheatin' sod!" I cry out in anguish, oblivious to my surroundings. Then I feel like that throttler guy and consider booking a first-class flight to Kuwait City to exterminate the frauding little toad.
What use is it buying wooden teeth, silver bullets and voodoo dolls with my precious wampum to add extra ooomph when some twatty liddle twot on the other side of the world is prepared to risk his mortal soul by taking advantage of an old codger by nefarious means?
But then I gradually subside shouting "Get a grip, man!" to myself as I acknowledge my declining powers that come with age and gradually comport myself with the dignity that befits the advanced number of my days on Earth.
Suitably mollified, I go and read the Beano on the bog.
Wednesday 28 September 2011
It's great in supermarkets
I saw a weird thing at the next till. A baby asleep eating an ice lolly. I was mesmerised. It was on a par with that fat woman I saw whose dirty joggers were almost hanging off, revealing a substantial amount of an arse that Cyril Smith would have been proud of. /me shivers.
Nice try
At the checkout counter one girl studiously ignored me as she gassed to her checkout colleague who said: "He asked me if I had a pen. I said yes. He said "Write your phone number on this piece of paper then". She didn't but nice move.
Ayring their views
Just overheard in Sainsbury's.
Woman looking at Pam Ayres' new book: "Has nobody shot her yet?"
Quite.
Woman looking at Pam Ayres' new book: "Has nobody shot her yet?"
Quite.
Sunday 25 September 2011
Treemendous
As that guy from Hot Chocolate might have said: It Started as a Twig. Never thought it would get this big.
Easy Like Sunday Morning
Just seen a bloke in a red dressing gown coming home with his shopping bags. Thankfully, he was wearing trousers.
Saturday 24 September 2011
Can you smell me from there?
I have an achey leg.
I rubbed some Chinese medicine I bought from Llandudno into my achey leg.
Now I have a stinky achey leg.
I rubbed some Chinese medicine I bought from Llandudno into my achey leg.
Now I have a stinky achey leg.
Dreamweirdness
Last night, I dreamed I was in bed with Julie Hesmondhalgh who plays Hayley Cropper in Coronation Street.(Sorry Roy)
I also dreamed my son had designed a tee shirt with the word "Knobsplat" as the logo in yellow and red. This is weird as he hates branded merchandise.
Friday 23 September 2011
I'm not a virgin
I have to confess. I'm not a blogging virgin
I've had a couple of blogs before but that was BITD.
I'll keep those under my flat cap if you don't mind.
I'm having to get used to a new swish interface now
Looks like it could be fun. I hope.
Welcome back to those that may know me ;)
I've had a couple of blogs before but that was BITD.
I'll keep those under my flat cap if you don't mind.
I'm having to get used to a new swish interface now
Looks like it could be fun. I hope.
Welcome back to those that may know me ;)
Bird Talk
Took a walk past where the farmers had been gathering silage today. The piles of mown grass were making an excellent buffet for one of our most colourful native birds: the Goldfinch. I have seen them hanging on the stems of dandelions picking the seeds off. They must be incredibly light to do that.
As I walked along the path, in the distance I saw about a dozen crows with a magpie amongst them. His black and white plumage stood out in such company.
They were enjoying an animated chatter but on my approach, they looked towards me and the crows flew one way and the magpie in the opposite direction as if they had been guiltily caught conspiring.
I wonder if birds communicate with another branch of the specie? It certainly looked that way.
As I walked along the path, in the distance I saw about a dozen crows with a magpie amongst them. His black and white plumage stood out in such company.
They were enjoying an animated chatter but on my approach, they looked towards me and the crows flew one way and the magpie in the opposite direction as if they had been guiltily caught conspiring.
I wonder if birds communicate with another branch of the specie? It certainly looked that way.
Blatant Plug
In a shameless act of self-promotion, I have added a link at the top of my page to all my Ebooks on Amazon's Kindle. Please feel free to click on them and download a few dozen.
3-2-1 Go!
Right. I decided it's time to start a blog. Yes, I know it's 340 years after everybody else started theirs and blogging is so yesterday but there's stuff that needs saying and I'm about to say it. Well, when I can think of something. Give me a break! Anyway, come along for the ride with me and let's see how far we get. Welcome aboard!
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