Thursday, 9 August 2012

Lancashire Laughter and Tears

New Kindle book out for Lancastrians - entitled Lancashire Laughter and Tears. Details here:

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Rik Mayall

Working closely with pan global phenomenon Rik Mayall at present. Details to follow.


Why does the water in the bog move about when it's windy (outside). It's slightly scary.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

A true hero

Read this astonishing first-hand account of how a guy stopped someone from committing suicide tonight.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Hidden depths?

I just bought a bottle of Ashbeck English Mineral Water and - I shit ye not - it says "Suitable for Vegetarians" on the label. Is there a Beef Flavoured Mineral Water or is the world going effing bonkers?

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Boys will be...

Just met an old friend in a supermarket and she told me her daughter has a beauty clinic. Apparently, she used to make up a lot of men who were professionals such as judges and doctors to look like women.
They would come in the front door as Arthur and exit the back one as Martha.
She stopped doing it when a man did something unmentionably disgusting and she scolded him and he liked it!

Saturday, 5 November 2011

The Bright Side

I attended the funeral of a dear friend and former colleague yesterday. She had been bravely suffering from cancer and when I last spoke to her recently, she was upbeat that her new chemo seemed to be working.
Unfortunately, she developed a chest infection and died in hospital.
Her death came as a shock to her many friends.
She was a down to earth no nonsense Lancashire lass who became a newspaper editor and columnist.
She never complained about her illness or her painful medical treatment. Her only comment was:"Trust me to get cancer".

Her auntie told me that just before she died, she calmly outlined what should be done at her funeral.
We started with Elvis singing How Great Thou Art and ended with Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.
When it got to the line, "Life's a Piece of Shit" laughter rang out round the chapel.
In between we heard "Look for me in Rainbows" by Vicky Brown who died of cancer. A very moving song and a fitting tribute to my brave, lovely, beautiful friend.
You will always be missed Lesley but every time I see a rainbow now, I shall think of you. 

Thursday, 3 November 2011

A lesson

Nice thing happened today. I saw a load of schoolgirls chuck some litter on the ground - empty drinks can and a rolled up Greggs bag. I walked on, thinking: Kids today. Typical. Waste of bleeding time.   Then a little further along, a tall lad in school uniform walked towards me on the pavement, nodded and politely said "Good afternoon". I didn't know him, nor he me. It kinda made my day and made me rethink things. I love it when stuff like that happens. Like someone was teaching me a lesson.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Getting old

I am being haunted by the face of an old man.
Let me explain.
I was walking to the shops yesterday when I saw an old man walking slowly and painfully with the aid of a stick. There was something familiar about his face. I walked on a little way, stopped and turned.
It was Frank. Frank the professional rugby player. He used to be a regular at my local many years ago and he was a massive strapping barrel-chested guy who used to talk about the various ways he fouled his opponents on the rugby pitch.
You never shook hands with Frank if you valued the bones in your fingers.
He was vital; robust;loud.
Now he looked about a third the size; like someone had put him in an oven and dried him out. Gaunt face; white hair; sunken cheeks. A parody. A tiny miniscule bit of a human, barely alive. Inching his way along the pavement with a glassy stare and a dying smile. His clothes hung off him.
It was a heart-stopping moment of realisation. I have never been as shocked by the ageing process. I found it truly frightening. More frightening than any horror film. A reminder of my own mortality.
I keep seeing his face in my mind. I still keep saying "No. It can't be"
But it was.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Some guys!

Following on from my post the other day, this has to be one of the shittiest guy fawkes's I've seen to date.
It looks like a distressed chav: which is probably who "made" it.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Guy don't think so.

No. I'm not giving you a penny for your shitty little guy. If you'd made an effort, I'd have given you tuppence. So eff off kid.
At least I used to dress up as a guy while my mates collected then jump up and scare people.


Bought DVD of King's Speech at Sainsbury's.

Checkout girl (CG): So you like the King's Speech then?
Me: Yes
CG: I saw it but I wasn't so sure about it though.
Me: What sort of films do you like then?
CG: I have to watch what I'm told: usually Spongebob Squarepants.
Me: What other films have you enjoyed?
CG: I don't know any more.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Going Amish

Yesterday was techically a wipeout. Asked O2 to put me on a Simplicity £13-50 a month. Some numpty put me on a £46 a month tariff! Havent been able to access 3G since. Then the ios5 debacle which took hours and much luck to sort out. Then the internet went down. Then the lights fused. I think I'll go Amish.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011


Just in time for Halloween is my new ebook - Horrors!  Amazing Tales of the Macabre including Matters Morbid; Bits of Famous Folk; Shocking "Cures"; Strange Deaths and Bizarre People.
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.

Available here:

Tuesday, 11 October 2011


Seeing this excellent blog post from Keith reminded my of my Uncle Walt who had a language of his own.
He lived in Cheshire and would often come to visit us in our Lancashire 2up 2 down and the conversation would go something like this:

"It's a funny thing (always his opening gambit). I've just been up the street and I bumped into ooozit and he had thingummy with him. Haven't seen him or y'know, t'other feller, for ages. We talked about wotsits and this that and the other. Aye - it's a funny thing."

We usually agreed it was a funny thing because if you ever disagreed with him: especially if he'd had a pint or two in the local wotsit, he'd storm out the house and walk the 25 miles back to his own home. It happened on many occasions.

He was a great bloke though. He'd been an airman and a professional football player for Bolton and Colwyn Bay and another team - Thingy Rovers.

 Uncle Walt and me.