My Ebooks

Lanky Panky, Lanky Spoken Here and the Crafty Cruiser are now available at the iTunes Store for the iPod; iPad and iPhone.

All these books are available on Amazon's Kindle but you if you haven't got a Kindle, don't worry, you can download a FREE Kindle Viewer to your smartphone, laptop or desktop computer here, then buy the books and read them wherever you like!

Free Kindle Viewer: -

Books to Download.... 

Amazing Tales of the Macabre including Matters Morbid; Bits of Famous Folk; Shocking "Cures"; Strange Deaths and Bizarre People.
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.

Available here:

The Book of Famous Oddballs

Bizarre, hilarious and amazing truths about famous people.
Did you know
Which US President had false teeth made from the tusks of a hippopotamus?
Which English poet tried tried to raise the Devil?
Which English King was used as a salt cellar?
Which Hollywood star used to scrub the floors of her luxury home?
Which Wimbledon winner never washed himself?
Which famous British Prime Minister had American Indian blood in his veins?
Which famous explorer died of piles?
Which German ruler bit his uncle's legs?
Then get the book - and you soon will.
It's full of fascinating facts about famous folk.

Available here:

How to Be a Crafty Cruiser.

This book is How To Be A Crafty Cruiser - a guide to saving time, money and trouble when it comes to cruise ship holidays.
Here's the blurb:
Learn the great inside secrets guaranteed to save you time, money and hassle on your luxury cruise with proven tips and tricks from a veteran cruiser who has taken over 27 cruises to places as far apart as St. Petersburg, The Azores and New York; Cairo, Canada and the Caribbean; Africa, Scandinavia and the Canary Isles.
Includes tips, tricks and secrets on:
Who and what to avoid onboard and ashore.
Boozin' and Cruisin'.
Technology Tips and Tricks.
Booking Tips.
Money saving ideas and queue avoidance techniques and lots more.
Buy this book or learn the hard way! Novices will particularly benefit.

Get it here:

Lanky Spoken Here!
Astbinmenbinmam? Avennyonyeranyonyer?
Don't worry - help is at hand.
This comical tongue-in-cheek guide to the Lancashire dialect and quaint customs in the form of a spoof phrasebook covering such topics as Eating Out;Down the Pub;Table Etiquette; Doctors; Insults; Shopping and hilariously quaint Lanky sayings, words and phrases will educate as well as make you laugh out loudly.
An alltime Lancashire classic since 1978, this book went on to be made into an EMI LP
It will bring back memories for older readers; put younger ones in touch with how their forebears spoke and bring enlightenment to those unfortunate enough not to be born in the Red Rose county.
The book is written by Dave Dutton - a Lancashire lad who has had 8 different parts in Coronation Street - and of whom no less than The Guardian said :" Mr. Dutton's mordant wit is a good match for his subject matter.
So don't just sit theer. Download it, make a cuppa, put thi feet up and have a reet good lowf!

Get it here please:


Lanky Panky! - all you needed to know about how to speak like a proper Lanky (Lancastrian).

Lancashire author and actor Dave Dutton's phrasebook and comic guide to the dialect of Northern England known as "Lanky" - the Lancashire dialect.
The book is crammed with hilarious expressions and phrases containing insults; "philosophy"; road signs; secret shibboleths; everyday Lanky Life; customs and advice that will have you speaking like a native of the Red Rose county.

It is the companion book to the legendary "Lanky Spoken Here!" (also available on Kindle)

Whether you are a Lancastrian, know someone who is from Lancashire or an expat homesick for those familiar words and phrases, this is the book for you.
There's nowt like it!

Get this one here please:

If you're getting it in the neck and need a bit of useful abuse, there's always...
The Little eBook of Insults

There are only three ways of dealing with an insult:

Ignore it.
Thump the Perpetrator (not recommended)
Or, best of all, top it with an even better one.

For anyone who has only ever thought up a crushing rejoinder after the opportunity to make it has passed (and that's all of us), this little eBook provides a wealth of quips, retorts, putdowns and squelches guaranteed to give that extra edge in any verbal joust.

Simply memorise a few of these one-liners to use as and when the occasion demands and you'll soon gain a reputation for having a razor-sharp wit.

No-one's going to risk messing with you again!
(Warning: Adult Content)

Very rude but get it here please: