Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Boys will be...
Just met an old friend in a supermarket and she told me her daughter has a beauty clinic. Apparently, she used to make up a lot of men who were professionals such as judges and doctors to look like women.
They would come in the front door as Arthur and exit the back one as Martha.
She stopped doing it when a man did something unmentionably disgusting and she scolded him and he liked it!
They would come in the front door as Arthur and exit the back one as Martha.
She stopped doing it when a man did something unmentionably disgusting and she scolded him and he liked it!
Saturday, 5 November 2011
The Bright Side
I attended the funeral of a dear friend and former colleague yesterday. She had been bravely suffering from cancer and when I last spoke to her recently, she was upbeat that her new chemo seemed to be working.
Unfortunately, she developed a chest infection and died in hospital.
Her death came as a shock to her many friends.
She was a down to earth no nonsense Lancashire lass who became a newspaper editor and columnist.
She never complained about her illness or her painful medical treatment. Her only comment was:"Trust me to get cancer".
Her auntie told me that just before she died, she calmly outlined what should be done at her funeral.
We started with Elvis singing How Great Thou Art and ended with Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.
When it got to the line, "Life's a Piece of Shit" laughter rang out round the chapel.
In between we heard "Look for me in Rainbows" by Vicky Brown who died of cancer. A very moving song and a fitting tribute to my brave, lovely, beautiful friend.
You will always be missed Lesley but every time I see a rainbow now, I shall think of you.
Unfortunately, she developed a chest infection and died in hospital.
Her death came as a shock to her many friends.
She was a down to earth no nonsense Lancashire lass who became a newspaper editor and columnist.
She never complained about her illness or her painful medical treatment. Her only comment was:"Trust me to get cancer".
Her auntie told me that just before she died, she calmly outlined what should be done at her funeral.
We started with Elvis singing How Great Thou Art and ended with Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.
When it got to the line, "Life's a Piece of Shit" laughter rang out round the chapel.
In between we heard "Look for me in Rainbows" by Vicky Brown who died of cancer. A very moving song and a fitting tribute to my brave, lovely, beautiful friend.
You will always be missed Lesley but every time I see a rainbow now, I shall think of you.
Thursday, 3 November 2011
A lesson
Nice thing happened today. I saw a load of schoolgirls chuck some litter on the ground - empty drinks can and a rolled up Greggs bag. I walked on, thinking: Kids today. Typical. Waste of bleeding time. Then a little further along, a tall lad in school uniform walked towards me on the pavement, nodded and politely said "Good afternoon". I didn't know him, nor he me. It kinda made my day and made me rethink things. I love it when stuff like that happens. Like someone was teaching me a lesson.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Getting old
I am being haunted by the face of an old man.
Let me explain.
I was walking to the shops yesterday when I saw an old man walking slowly and painfully with the aid of a stick. There was something familiar about his face. I walked on a little way, stopped and turned.
It was Frank. Frank the professional rugby player. He used to be a regular at my local many years ago and he was a massive strapping barrel-chested guy who used to talk about the various ways he fouled his opponents on the rugby pitch.
You never shook hands with Frank if you valued the bones in your fingers.
He was vital; robust;loud.
Now he looked about a third the size; like someone had put him in an oven and dried him out. Gaunt face; white hair; sunken cheeks. A parody. A tiny miniscule bit of a human, barely alive. Inching his way along the pavement with a glassy stare and a dying smile. His clothes hung off him.
It was a heart-stopping moment of realisation. I have never been as shocked by the ageing process. I found it truly frightening. More frightening than any horror film. A reminder of my own mortality.
I keep seeing his face in my mind. I still keep saying "No. It can't be"
But it was.
Let me explain.
I was walking to the shops yesterday when I saw an old man walking slowly and painfully with the aid of a stick. There was something familiar about his face. I walked on a little way, stopped and turned.
It was Frank. Frank the professional rugby player. He used to be a regular at my local many years ago and he was a massive strapping barrel-chested guy who used to talk about the various ways he fouled his opponents on the rugby pitch.
You never shook hands with Frank if you valued the bones in your fingers.
He was vital; robust;loud.
Now he looked about a third the size; like someone had put him in an oven and dried him out. Gaunt face; white hair; sunken cheeks. A parody. A tiny miniscule bit of a human, barely alive. Inching his way along the pavement with a glassy stare and a dying smile. His clothes hung off him.
It was a heart-stopping moment of realisation. I have never been as shocked by the ageing process. I found it truly frightening. More frightening than any horror film. A reminder of my own mortality.
I keep seeing his face in my mind. I still keep saying "No. It can't be"
But it was.
Friday, 28 October 2011
Some guys!
It looks like a distressed chav: which is probably who "made" it.
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Speechless
Bought DVD of King's Speech at Sainsbury's.
Checkout girl (CG): So you like the King's Speech then?
Me: Yes
CG: I saw it but I wasn't so sure about it though.
Me: What sort of films do you like then?
CG: I have to watch what I'm told: usually Spongebob Squarepants.
Me: What other films have you enjoyed?
CG: I don't know any more.
Checkout girl (CG): So you like the King's Speech then?
Me: Yes
CG: I saw it but I wasn't so sure about it though.
Me: What sort of films do you like then?
CG: I have to watch what I'm told: usually Spongebob Squarepants.
Me: What other films have you enjoyed?
CG: I don't know any more.
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Going Amish
Yesterday was techically a wipeout. Asked O2 to put me on a Simplicity £13-50 a month. Some numpty put me on a £46 a month tariff! Havent been able to access 3G since. Then the ios5 debacle which took hours and much luck to sort out. Then the internet went down. Then the lights fused. I think I'll go Amish.
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
Horrors!
Just in time for Halloween is my new ebook - Horrors! Amazing Tales of the Macabre including Matters Morbid; Bits of Famous Folk; Shocking "Cures"; Strange Deaths and Bizarre People.
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.
Available here: http://amzn.to/osF4e9
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.
Available here: http://amzn.to/osF4e9
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Oozit
Seeing this excellent blog post from Keith reminded my of my Uncle Walt who had a language of his own.
He lived in Cheshire and would often come to visit us in our Lancashire 2up 2 down and the conversation would go something like this:
"It's a funny thing (always his opening gambit). I've just been up the street and I bumped into ooozit and he had thingummy with him. Haven't seen him or y'know, t'other feller, for ages. We talked about wotsits and this that and the other. Aye - it's a funny thing."
We usually agreed it was a funny thing because if you ever disagreed with him: especially if he'd had a pint or two in the local wotsit, he'd storm out the house and walk the 25 miles back to his own home. It happened on many occasions.
He was a great bloke though. He'd been an airman and a professional football player for Bolton and Colwyn Bay and another team - Thingy Rovers.
Uncle Walt and me.
He lived in Cheshire and would often come to visit us in our Lancashire 2up 2 down and the conversation would go something like this:
"It's a funny thing (always his opening gambit). I've just been up the street and I bumped into ooozit and he had thingummy with him. Haven't seen him or y'know, t'other feller, for ages. We talked about wotsits and this that and the other. Aye - it's a funny thing."
We usually agreed it was a funny thing because if you ever disagreed with him: especially if he'd had a pint or two in the local wotsit, he'd storm out the house and walk the 25 miles back to his own home. It happened on many occasions.
He was a great bloke though. He'd been an airman and a professional football player for Bolton and Colwyn Bay and another team - Thingy Rovers.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S
A friend has a daughter who has just turned 6. She's a very bright child but even so, her mother and a kitchen full of friends nearly dropped their glasses of white wine a couple of weeks ago when she suddenly announced: "I love lesbians!"
"What do you mean love?" asked mum tentatively.
"Lesbians. It's 20 points on Wordmole".
I should point out that Wordmole is a word game on a smartphone where you get points for making letters into words.
I admire the child's perspicacity but I'm sure I never knew what a lesbian was until I was much older.
(Apparently, she also later asked how many points you got for G-A-Y-S).
"What do you mean love?" asked mum tentatively.
"Lesbians. It's 20 points on Wordmole".
I should point out that Wordmole is a word game on a smartphone where you get points for making letters into words.
I admire the child's perspicacity but I'm sure I never knew what a lesbian was until I was much older.
(Apparently, she also later asked how many points you got for G-A-Y-S).
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Changes
When you are about to meet someone who you haven't seen for almost 20 years and who you thought you'd probably never see again, there is a certain apprehension.
She was a very young woman then with the world at her feet. She gave everything up to follow an ideal.
Now she is a mature woman who has travelled the world and worked with children in many countries.
She traded in an illusory world for the real one.
I can't wait to hear her story.
She was a very young woman then with the world at her feet. She gave everything up to follow an ideal.
Now she is a mature woman who has travelled the world and worked with children in many countries.
She traded in an illusory world for the real one.
I can't wait to hear her story.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Effin Customer Service
I phoned a bus company information line this afternoon and a bloke with a broad Lancashire accent answered the phone.
I said "I'm enquiring about the diversion arrangements because of the Tory Conference in Manchester. Can you tell me where the Number ** Bus will stop now?"
"Just one moment sir" said the employee.
I then heard the following:
"He wants ter know about diversions 'cos of Tory Conference. Wheers that information?"
"It's here"
"I've been fuckin' lookin' for that bit o' paper all day!"
He returned to the phone and said sweetly.
"I have the information to hand now sir."
He told me what I needed to know and I asked for more information on the route which he provided after once again consulting his mate.
"The reason I know the answer is because my mate here travels that route every day" he said.
God help people enquiring about a different route then!
I said "I'm enquiring about the diversion arrangements because of the Tory Conference in Manchester. Can you tell me where the Number ** Bus will stop now?"
"Just one moment sir" said the employee.
I then heard the following:
"He wants ter know about diversions 'cos of Tory Conference. Wheers that information?"
"It's here"
"I've been fuckin' lookin' for that bit o' paper all day!"
He returned to the phone and said sweetly.
"I have the information to hand now sir."
He told me what I needed to know and I asked for more information on the route which he provided after once again consulting his mate.
"The reason I know the answer is because my mate here travels that route every day" he said.
God help people enquiring about a different route then!
My worst birthday prezzie
Did some clearing out yesterday and came across what probably ranks as my worst present ever.
It was a bow.
Bow as in bow and arrows.
I can't even remember who bought it or what they must have been thinking of at the time.The reason that it was useless was because I lived in a 2up 2 down terraced house with a little back yard in the middle of a Lancashire coal and cotton town.
After watching a good cowboy film, I may have imagined I lived in the mid-West prairies but in reality, I was about 20 feet from a massive cotton mill and surrounded not by greenery but by brickery.
I would have been about ten and probably not much longer than the bow, which measures a goodly 5 feet.
It even came with deadly steel-tipped arrows that would have caused considerable damage to John Wayne's torso had I ever been strong enough to draw the bow and had he been daft enough to be walking in front of me at the time.
I was a mere slip of a lad and simply hadn't the strength to use the damn thing., coupled with the fact that when I did pull and let go, the string invariably hit my wrist with a painful Twang! and I dropped the bugger immediately.
Well I didn't know there was such a thing as a wristguard.
In the absence of a suitable target (which wasn't provided), I simply stood a few feet from our back gate and let fly the deadly arrows which rebounded alarmingly close to my head, leaving nasty holes in the gate.
Of course, that resulted in a clout round the ears from me mam putting an end to my hopes of representing my country at Archery in the Olympics.
So I stuck it in a cupboard and there it remained all these years until yesterday when it brought back painful memories.
I'm going to use it to grow runners beans up and suggest if some idiot buys you a longbow for your birthday, that you do the same.
It was a bow.
Bow as in bow and arrows.
That's it.
I can't even remember who bought it or what they must have been thinking of at the time.The reason that it was useless was because I lived in a 2up 2 down terraced house with a little back yard in the middle of a Lancashire coal and cotton town.
After watching a good cowboy film, I may have imagined I lived in the mid-West prairies but in reality, I was about 20 feet from a massive cotton mill and surrounded not by greenery but by brickery.
I would have been about ten and probably not much longer than the bow, which measures a goodly 5 feet.
It even came with deadly steel-tipped arrows that would have caused considerable damage to John Wayne's torso had I ever been strong enough to draw the bow and had he been daft enough to be walking in front of me at the time.
I was a mere slip of a lad and simply hadn't the strength to use the damn thing., coupled with the fact that when I did pull and let go, the string invariably hit my wrist with a painful Twang! and I dropped the bugger immediately.
Well I didn't know there was such a thing as a wristguard.
In the absence of a suitable target (which wasn't provided), I simply stood a few feet from our back gate and let fly the deadly arrows which rebounded alarmingly close to my head, leaving nasty holes in the gate.
Of course, that resulted in a clout round the ears from me mam putting an end to my hopes of representing my country at Archery in the Olympics.
So I stuck it in a cupboard and there it remained all these years until yesterday when it brought back painful memories.
I'm going to use it to grow runners beans up and suggest if some idiot buys you a longbow for your birthday, that you do the same.
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