It looks like a distressed chav: which is probably who "made" it.
Friday, 28 October 2011
Some guys!
It looks like a distressed chav: which is probably who "made" it.
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Speechless
Bought DVD of King's Speech at Sainsbury's.
Checkout girl (CG): So you like the King's Speech then?
Me: Yes
CG: I saw it but I wasn't so sure about it though.
Me: What sort of films do you like then?
CG: I have to watch what I'm told: usually Spongebob Squarepants.
Me: What other films have you enjoyed?
CG: I don't know any more.
Checkout girl (CG): So you like the King's Speech then?
Me: Yes
CG: I saw it but I wasn't so sure about it though.
Me: What sort of films do you like then?
CG: I have to watch what I'm told: usually Spongebob Squarepants.
Me: What other films have you enjoyed?
CG: I don't know any more.
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Going Amish
Yesterday was techically a wipeout. Asked O2 to put me on a Simplicity £13-50 a month. Some numpty put me on a £46 a month tariff! Havent been able to access 3G since. Then the ios5 debacle which took hours and much luck to sort out. Then the internet went down. Then the lights fused. I think I'll go Amish.
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
Horrors!
Just in time for Halloween is my new ebook - Horrors! Amazing Tales of the Macabre including Matters Morbid; Bits of Famous Folk; Shocking "Cures"; Strange Deaths and Bizarre People.
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.
Available here: http://amzn.to/osF4e9
Awfully fascinating and fascinatingly awful facts and stories to give you chills or make you wonder.
Learn which English King was used as bait by a fisherman; the third cheapest way of making a mummy; which aristocrat was known as "The Cannabilistic Idiot"; the Auction of Dead Cats; why a circus elephant was publicly hanged in America and the German military leader who died dressed as a ballerina.
Lots more to shudder at. Dare you read it? Go on - you know you want to.
Available here: http://amzn.to/osF4e9
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Oozit
Seeing this excellent blog post from Keith reminded my of my Uncle Walt who had a language of his own.
He lived in Cheshire and would often come to visit us in our Lancashire 2up 2 down and the conversation would go something like this:
"It's a funny thing (always his opening gambit). I've just been up the street and I bumped into ooozit and he had thingummy with him. Haven't seen him or y'know, t'other feller, for ages. We talked about wotsits and this that and the other. Aye - it's a funny thing."
We usually agreed it was a funny thing because if you ever disagreed with him: especially if he'd had a pint or two in the local wotsit, he'd storm out the house and walk the 25 miles back to his own home. It happened on many occasions.
He was a great bloke though. He'd been an airman and a professional football player for Bolton and Colwyn Bay and another team - Thingy Rovers.
Uncle Walt and me.
He lived in Cheshire and would often come to visit us in our Lancashire 2up 2 down and the conversation would go something like this:
"It's a funny thing (always his opening gambit). I've just been up the street and I bumped into ooozit and he had thingummy with him. Haven't seen him or y'know, t'other feller, for ages. We talked about wotsits and this that and the other. Aye - it's a funny thing."
We usually agreed it was a funny thing because if you ever disagreed with him: especially if he'd had a pint or two in the local wotsit, he'd storm out the house and walk the 25 miles back to his own home. It happened on many occasions.
He was a great bloke though. He'd been an airman and a professional football player for Bolton and Colwyn Bay and another team - Thingy Rovers.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S
A friend has a daughter who has just turned 6. She's a very bright child but even so, her mother and a kitchen full of friends nearly dropped their glasses of white wine a couple of weeks ago when she suddenly announced: "I love lesbians!"
"What do you mean love?" asked mum tentatively.
"Lesbians. It's 20 points on Wordmole".
I should point out that Wordmole is a word game on a smartphone where you get points for making letters into words.
I admire the child's perspicacity but I'm sure I never knew what a lesbian was until I was much older.
(Apparently, she also later asked how many points you got for G-A-Y-S).
"What do you mean love?" asked mum tentatively.
"Lesbians. It's 20 points on Wordmole".
I should point out that Wordmole is a word game on a smartphone where you get points for making letters into words.
I admire the child's perspicacity but I'm sure I never knew what a lesbian was until I was much older.
(Apparently, she also later asked how many points you got for G-A-Y-S).
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Changes
When you are about to meet someone who you haven't seen for almost 20 years and who you thought you'd probably never see again, there is a certain apprehension.
She was a very young woman then with the world at her feet. She gave everything up to follow an ideal.
Now she is a mature woman who has travelled the world and worked with children in many countries.
She traded in an illusory world for the real one.
I can't wait to hear her story.
She was a very young woman then with the world at her feet. She gave everything up to follow an ideal.
Now she is a mature woman who has travelled the world and worked with children in many countries.
She traded in an illusory world for the real one.
I can't wait to hear her story.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Effin Customer Service
I phoned a bus company information line this afternoon and a bloke with a broad Lancashire accent answered the phone.
I said "I'm enquiring about the diversion arrangements because of the Tory Conference in Manchester. Can you tell me where the Number ** Bus will stop now?"
"Just one moment sir" said the employee.
I then heard the following:
"He wants ter know about diversions 'cos of Tory Conference. Wheers that information?"
"It's here"
"I've been fuckin' lookin' for that bit o' paper all day!"
He returned to the phone and said sweetly.
"I have the information to hand now sir."
He told me what I needed to know and I asked for more information on the route which he provided after once again consulting his mate.
"The reason I know the answer is because my mate here travels that route every day" he said.
God help people enquiring about a different route then!
I said "I'm enquiring about the diversion arrangements because of the Tory Conference in Manchester. Can you tell me where the Number ** Bus will stop now?"
"Just one moment sir" said the employee.
I then heard the following:
"He wants ter know about diversions 'cos of Tory Conference. Wheers that information?"
"It's here"
"I've been fuckin' lookin' for that bit o' paper all day!"
He returned to the phone and said sweetly.
"I have the information to hand now sir."
He told me what I needed to know and I asked for more information on the route which he provided after once again consulting his mate.
"The reason I know the answer is because my mate here travels that route every day" he said.
God help people enquiring about a different route then!
My worst birthday prezzie
Did some clearing out yesterday and came across what probably ranks as my worst present ever.
It was a bow.
Bow as in bow and arrows.
I can't even remember who bought it or what they must have been thinking of at the time.The reason that it was useless was because I lived in a 2up 2 down terraced house with a little back yard in the middle of a Lancashire coal and cotton town.
After watching a good cowboy film, I may have imagined I lived in the mid-West prairies but in reality, I was about 20 feet from a massive cotton mill and surrounded not by greenery but by brickery.
I would have been about ten and probably not much longer than the bow, which measures a goodly 5 feet.
It even came with deadly steel-tipped arrows that would have caused considerable damage to John Wayne's torso had I ever been strong enough to draw the bow and had he been daft enough to be walking in front of me at the time.
I was a mere slip of a lad and simply hadn't the strength to use the damn thing., coupled with the fact that when I did pull and let go, the string invariably hit my wrist with a painful Twang! and I dropped the bugger immediately.
Well I didn't know there was such a thing as a wristguard.
In the absence of a suitable target (which wasn't provided), I simply stood a few feet from our back gate and let fly the deadly arrows which rebounded alarmingly close to my head, leaving nasty holes in the gate.
Of course, that resulted in a clout round the ears from me mam putting an end to my hopes of representing my country at Archery in the Olympics.
So I stuck it in a cupboard and there it remained all these years until yesterday when it brought back painful memories.
I'm going to use it to grow runners beans up and suggest if some idiot buys you a longbow for your birthday, that you do the same.
It was a bow.
Bow as in bow and arrows.
That's it.
I can't even remember who bought it or what they must have been thinking of at the time.The reason that it was useless was because I lived in a 2up 2 down terraced house with a little back yard in the middle of a Lancashire coal and cotton town.
After watching a good cowboy film, I may have imagined I lived in the mid-West prairies but in reality, I was about 20 feet from a massive cotton mill and surrounded not by greenery but by brickery.
I would have been about ten and probably not much longer than the bow, which measures a goodly 5 feet.
It even came with deadly steel-tipped arrows that would have caused considerable damage to John Wayne's torso had I ever been strong enough to draw the bow and had he been daft enough to be walking in front of me at the time.
I was a mere slip of a lad and simply hadn't the strength to use the damn thing., coupled with the fact that when I did pull and let go, the string invariably hit my wrist with a painful Twang! and I dropped the bugger immediately.
Well I didn't know there was such a thing as a wristguard.
In the absence of a suitable target (which wasn't provided), I simply stood a few feet from our back gate and let fly the deadly arrows which rebounded alarmingly close to my head, leaving nasty holes in the gate.
Of course, that resulted in a clout round the ears from me mam putting an end to my hopes of representing my country at Archery in the Olympics.
So I stuck it in a cupboard and there it remained all these years until yesterday when it brought back painful memories.
I'm going to use it to grow runners beans up and suggest if some idiot buys you a longbow for your birthday, that you do the same.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Respect
I came across this on my travels.It was attached to a bunch of carnations on a mesh covering a door of a defunct Lancashire cotton mill
After some research and enquiries, I discovered these poor millworkers had died when a faulty steam pipe ruptured and they were scalded to death.
A winder was someone who threaded cotton onto shuttles.
I found it very humbling and moving that someone had remembered these poor girls 100 years on.
There is more information about the tragedy here: http://www.leighlife.com/?page=5&rev=1262193139&id=leighlife:dan_lane_mill
Respect and love to those who died and also to the caring person who attached the flowers.
Helloooooo?!
So I'm loading my purchases on the conveyor belt at Asda and the girl asks: "Want any help?"
"Yes please. Can you double bag those two bottles of wine for me please? I wouldn't like them to fall through the bottom of the bag and break" (delivered with a smile.no response)
Her: "Are you walking?"
Me: "Yes"
Her: "I'll double bag them for you, it'll be safer"
Pause
Me: Can you double bag them? It'll be safer"
Pause
Her: "That's what I'm doing"
Me: Oh so you are. Good idea. Thanks"
"Yes please. Can you double bag those two bottles of wine for me please? I wouldn't like them to fall through the bottom of the bag and break" (delivered with a smile.no response)
Her: "Are you walking?"
Me: "Yes"
Her: "I'll double bag them for you, it'll be safer"
Pause
Me: Can you double bag them? It'll be safer"
Pause
Her: "That's what I'm doing"
Me: Oh so you are. Good idea. Thanks"
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Me £11-26 Tesco 0
The other day, I went into Tesco and bought 2 bottles of Spanish Ruede white wine for £10. Or rather I didn't.
There was a sign saying get 2 for £10 but when I got home I found the twots had charged me £15-18 which works out at £7 something per bottle.
I wasn't having that.
I went in today with a face like Hitler when he got his (no I can't use that simile). Well I had a face like an angry farmer's arse. I've seen pictures of those on the internet somewhere. I'm unlucky that way.
So I collared a terrified assistant manager and demanded he follow me to the wines and spirits which upon seeing my rictus expression, he dropped what he was doing (a case of Marmite - made a helluva mess) and meekly followed close behind.
I pointed at the sign that said 2 for £10 and I said: "Now son, 'ow much for 2 bottles of that wine?"
He looked at me, then looked round for help. I said somewhat more stentorianly "'ow much for two bottles of that wine?"
"Er, £10?"
I said: "That's what it says but look a little closer.
He bent down gingerly (what's ginger gotta do with bending? - don't answer)
I jabbed an angry digit at the offer closing date which was September the Bloody 6th!
"That's when it finished and you charged me the full amount. That sign should not be there"
"Oh" he said.
"Oh" I said, more sarcastically than his "Oh"
"I do apologise. Come with me sir" So I went with him this time and he led me to a young lady in customer service who he ordered to sort out the cash return.
She jabbed at a calculator and announced "We owe you £11-26" sir. Tesco refund double what you have been overcharged. She's got her sums wrong but that's par for the course these days and I wasn't gonna be arsed pointing it out.
I didn't know that, so that's a tip. Look for out-of-date offers with signs still up and buy hundreds of whatever's on sale, then go next day and get double your money back.
Bingo! Back of the net! Resulto!
By the way. I wonder how many customers not quite as eagle eyed as me got screwed and never knew? Probably bloody dozens.
Fellow shoppers, always check your receipts,.
There was a sign saying get 2 for £10 but when I got home I found the twots had charged me £15-18 which works out at £7 something per bottle.
I wasn't having that.
I went in today with a face like Hitler when he got his (no I can't use that simile). Well I had a face like an angry farmer's arse. I've seen pictures of those on the internet somewhere. I'm unlucky that way.
So I collared a terrified assistant manager and demanded he follow me to the wines and spirits which upon seeing my rictus expression, he dropped what he was doing (a case of Marmite - made a helluva mess) and meekly followed close behind.
I pointed at the sign that said 2 for £10 and I said: "Now son, 'ow much for 2 bottles of that wine?"
He looked at me, then looked round for help. I said somewhat more stentorianly "'ow much for two bottles of that wine?"
"Er, £10?"
I said: "That's what it says but look a little closer.
He bent down gingerly (what's ginger gotta do with bending? - don't answer)
I jabbed an angry digit at the offer closing date which was September the Bloody 6th!
"That's when it finished and you charged me the full amount. That sign should not be there"
"Oh" he said.
"Oh" I said, more sarcastically than his "Oh"
"I do apologise. Come with me sir" So I went with him this time and he led me to a young lady in customer service who he ordered to sort out the cash return.
She jabbed at a calculator and announced "We owe you £11-26" sir. Tesco refund double what you have been overcharged. She's got her sums wrong but that's par for the course these days and I wasn't gonna be arsed pointing it out.
I didn't know that, so that's a tip. Look for out-of-date offers with signs still up and buy hundreds of whatever's on sale, then go next day and get double your money back.
Bingo! Back of the net! Resulto!
By the way. I wonder how many customers not quite as eagle eyed as me got screwed and never knew? Probably bloody dozens.
Fellow shoppers, always check your receipts,.
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